Picture this: I'd
wake up everyday expecting you'd be sitting in the dining table sipping your
early morning cup of coffee. You'd sharply stare at me sheepishly walking in my
pajama trying to drag my feet to the comfort room to take a bath to catch up my
office time-in. Then you'd laugh at my clumsiness for hating the habit of
waking up early.
But those are just
pure-sweet-recollection of you now...
This new normal life
will continue to haunt me for I don't know how long. My own dreams died with
you. I feel compelled to continue what you have started. I'm not complaining.
If losing my own identity will gratify you then so be it.
I just wish it
wouldn't be as scorching as this. There are a lot of questions left unanswered.
There were several confrontations missed. Hugs and kisses that I would have
done for you...in those last months. How did we become so resentful to each
other? How did you lose your radical mind over your fixations?
They say forgiveness
will make this go away. But heck...it's but a glorious concept. Since you left,
it had become a daily battle about you as a father, a husband, an excellent
provider...and how you almost throw our family out in the window. Those
remaining days when I couldn't see joy in your eyes for seeing us occupying
what you have invested. It was like silently screaming at our face to get out
for other people to get in.
Nevertheless, I never
stop praying for you. I never wanted to separate from you. I waited for that
moment when you'd search through your heart again and realize our worth. I
waited for the time when you finally huddle with us and tell us there's nothing
more you ever need...
Your absence made me
crumple. It felt like losing a firewall and turned me into nothing but ashes.
