44 Days Without You

Picture this: I'd wake up everyday expecting you'd be sitting in the dining table sipping your early morning cup of coffee. You'd sharply stare at me sheepishly walking in my pajama trying to drag my feet to the comfort room to take a bath to catch up my office time-in. Then you'd laugh at my clumsiness for hating the habit of waking up early.

But those are just pure-sweet-recollection of you now...

This new normal life will continue to haunt me for I don't know how long. My own dreams died with you. I feel compelled to continue what you have started. I'm not complaining. If losing my own identity will gratify you then so be it. 

I just wish it wouldn't be as scorching as this. There are a lot of questions left unanswered. There were several confrontations missed. Hugs and kisses that I would have done for you...in those last months. How did we become so resentful to each other? How did you lose your radical mind over your fixations? 

They say forgiveness will make this go away. But heck...it's but a glorious concept. Since you left, it had become a daily battle about you as a father, a husband, an excellent provider...and how you almost throw our family out in the window. Those remaining days when I couldn't see joy in your eyes for seeing us occupying what you have invested. It was like silently screaming at our face to get out for other people to get in. 

Nevertheless, I never stop praying for you. I never wanted to separate from you. I waited for that moment when you'd search through your heart again and realize our worth. I waited for the time when you finally huddle with us and tell us there's nothing more you ever need...

Your absence made me crumple. It felt like losing a firewall and turned me into nothing but ashes.

Choices had to be made I know. For now, I choose to laugh and smile while repressing this bleeding system. To breathe and live along with what and who remains to be with me. However, I cannot promise to be that happy again. It’s just never the same anymore. Never.

Road to Test

Humidity is felt this very afternoon. Nothing but the reggae music in the car that's talking. Everyone is nostalgic at this 9th day since Pup passed away.

Being the frontliner of the pack now, a lot needs to be checked and taken cared. It's like I'm in the passenger's seat but I'm not really here.

So this is what's real then. Simply loaded with realization that there are numerous things I gotta learn...driving, farming and so much more about surviving. What a big shoes to fill in.

For now, I just have to test the road first. Irregardless of its compatibility of the wheel I am on...it needs to be passed through or  we will all be forever lost.

That SUDDEN TWIST

Like every chapter of the story in a book you’re reading, each page narrates different scenes. It can be stimulating, exciting, devastating…you try to hop into conclusions hoping that you and the author’s mind meets.

But what happens when you get a twisted ending?

Exactly how life’s game works. Its imperfection entails all the possibility beyond human imagination. Like when a life of a man you first love is taken right in front of your face.

It was around 5:30 in the morning of Wednesday 22^nd of April 2015. Breakfast was serve through an emergency call of my Pupsy being rushed to the nearest hospital. Reflex made me get up in a second, ran down through the stairs and held the wheel chair for him. Moment like that, I had to put away the ‘cold war’ situation for eight long months. He was grasping for air. He could hardly lean because he’s drowning by the little air he could get. Something was really wrong and I knew it. I was just too scared to face it. But everything happened in a snap of a finger. We transferred to another town where there’s an available ICU. There he continued to struggle.  I stood still and wondered if it was for real. After I blinked several times, I saw those tears that rolled on his cheeks with his mouth half opened. His chest was not moving anymore and his skin turned into purple. I screamed like a mad woman trying to revive his consciousness. That familiar feeling of numbness and shaking of knees with a heartbeat like rolling drums visited my system again.

Just like that. Pupsy left us. For good. I hugged his lifeless body sobbing with little tears but with so many questions and emotions that I could never spell out.

Even now as I write this. How will I ever describe something that is overwhelmingly agonizing? 

Beautifully Flawed

Two imperfect souls bonded by rare emotions.
Time and distance were never a question.
Darn witch must have let loose of the potion.
That YOU & I are still in that 'love notion'.


Once we became like tumbleweeds.
Lost in the dessert that bleeds.
Those sun-scorched pain...
It was chaotic in an ugly mundane.

As the season shifted, peace surfaces.
It's but mesmerizing to ride in this serenity pace.
Heaven did hear me pray and I am awed.
I don't want this to end eventhough it's BEAUTIFULLY FLAWED. 

Mantra for 2015 and Onwards...

1. Focus on your long term goal.
             Instead of beating yourself up about past mistakes and lousy choices, strive to make it up. Nothing is too late just as long as you're still given the opportunity to wake up every morning.

2. Drop those expectations. 
            The more you expect, the more you live out from reality. It's like building an enclosed bubble away from pain and failure. It's okey to expect but not that much. 

3. Ignore the people who smears off negativity.
            You just can't please everybody so stop trying. If people find your confidence offending or threatining then that's their problem. Not yours. For as long as you stick your feet on the ground and you can sleep soundly at night knowing that you never step on anybody's shoe then you are good to go.

4. Treasure your childhood friends. 
           They are your only true friends. In the truest sense so far. My childhood friends never talked behind my back, never bailed out on me, and most of all...never displaced their frustrations instead they run to me for comfort.
5. Work hard.
             To turn yourself into a refuge is a mortal sin. If you are given both hands, feet and a brain then there's no excuse of that inability to work hard to feed your stomach.
6. SAVE.
             Rainy days do come anytime. What's ahead is engulf with uncertainties so better be ready or sorry.
7. Invest on health.
             For what use is your saving will be or your continous strive to work hard if your body itself cannot do it.
8. PRAY.
            It's your greatest source of strength along with your loved ones. Keeping your relationship intact with GOD even without airing it publicly is very powerful. 
9. Believe.
            Never stop believing in yourself and that happy ending you want to pen down on your own book. It will not hurt anyway. ;)