Empty Chair Yourself

In as much as we promote our advocacy in Counseling and Psychology, human as we are, we have our own issues to deal with. Issues when left unaddress will consume us and leave us defeated. 

In example, with what happened to me and the person I considered a friend. A friend for me is not just a passer-by who chats about random things. A friend is someone I can confide about anything. Someone who does crazy stuff with me. Jump off the cliff or fly in the sky. Someone who will never turn his back...especially when someone new comes in.

Apparently that's just too ideal. 

So maybe we can try an empty chair approach to process ourselves. Funny but this is the usual technique that that old friend uses for her clients. I just came to wonder if she ever have used it for herself. But with the confrontation that took place this morning...I doubt it.

Yes I have wronged her at some point. She humbled herself through text that 'I hope I understand her bailing out on me at 11th hour'. So alright. That was humility that I failed to acknowledge. 

But she never laid down valid reasons as to how come she never saw my pain of jealousy over rejection when she started going out with her new friend? All she did was deny the ill-feeling she caused. Still claiming her ego overwhelming her head. Seriously, can you that be insensitive if you really did consider the friendship? 

That's just where I am coming from. I know I brought up long dead old issues but thats just part of my weakness. I will never hide these weakneses nor deny it. And yes I will publish it not just to gain sympathy but to share real stories from real experiences. Because I am not afraid to be judged. Now you can tell my strength.

Back to that special friend I am referring to...I still wish her all the best. This pain I am feeling will be savored until I cannot remember it anymore. Xoxo.

Nothing But A History

Your old tactic is way boring. Building your little army to justify your distorted thoughts against me. Gaining their loyalty by cackling more than like a hen. Oh well…you’ve done that before. It’s no longer surprising. I am staying put, crossing my arms, watch your pathetic ways and continue to be civil. I am hurting yes. 

A woman of emotionality normally feels this way. Sometimes I’d imagine sending you that ‘hate note’ I wrote. Or grab your ear and scream at your face. Other times I’d catch myself thinking how you would react if I throw my shoe at your forehead the moment you get in. But of course, I shrugged those off right away. I spent half of my life being mean and rude and sarcastic. Not to mention verbally abusive. I can compose beautiful cursing statement that will break your bones. 

But then, I choose not to do that anymore. There is this promise I made between myself and Him. I intend to keep that promise. Our world maybe too crowded, but HE can see us through. In the end, we will all be held liable for our actions.

 For that, I rest my case. ;)

44 Days Without You

Picture this: I'd wake up everyday expecting you'd be sitting in the dining table sipping your early morning cup of coffee. You'd sharply stare at me sheepishly walking in my pajama trying to drag my feet to the comfort room to take a bath to catch up my office time-in. Then you'd laugh at my clumsiness for hating the habit of waking up early.

But those are just pure-sweet-recollection of you now...

This new normal life will continue to haunt me for I don't know how long. My own dreams died with you. I feel compelled to continue what you have started. I'm not complaining. If losing my own identity will gratify you then so be it. 

I just wish it wouldn't be as scorching as this. There are a lot of questions left unanswered. There were several confrontations missed. Hugs and kisses that I would have done for you...in those last months. How did we become so resentful to each other? How did you lose your radical mind over your fixations? 

They say forgiveness will make this go away. But heck...it's but a glorious concept. Since you left, it had become a daily battle about you as a father, a husband, an excellent provider...and how you almost throw our family out in the window. Those remaining days when I couldn't see joy in your eyes for seeing us occupying what you have invested. It was like silently screaming at our face to get out for other people to get in. 

Nevertheless, I never stop praying for you. I never wanted to separate from you. I waited for that moment when you'd search through your heart again and realize our worth. I waited for the time when you finally huddle with us and tell us there's nothing more you ever need...

Your absence made me crumple. It felt like losing a firewall and turned me into nothing but ashes.

Choices had to be made I know. For now, I choose to laugh and smile while repressing this bleeding system. To breathe and live along with what and who remains to be with me. However, I cannot promise to be that happy again. It’s just never the same anymore. Never.

Road to Test

Humidity is felt this very afternoon. Nothing but the reggae music in the car that's talking. Everyone is nostalgic at this 9th day since Pup passed away.

Being the frontliner of the pack now, a lot needs to be checked and taken cared. It's like I'm in the passenger's seat but I'm not really here.

So this is what's real then. Simply loaded with realization that there are numerous things I gotta learn...driving, farming and so much more about surviving. What a big shoes to fill in.

For now, I just have to test the road first. Irregardless of its compatibility of the wheel I am on...it needs to be passed through or  we will all be forever lost.

That SUDDEN TWIST

Like every chapter of the story in a book you’re reading, each page narrates different scenes. It can be stimulating, exciting, devastating…you try to hop into conclusions hoping that you and the author’s mind meets.

But what happens when you get a twisted ending?

Exactly how life’s game works. Its imperfection entails all the possibility beyond human imagination. Like when a life of a man you first love is taken right in front of your face.

It was around 5:30 in the morning of Wednesday 22^nd of April 2015. Breakfast was serve through an emergency call of my Pupsy being rushed to the nearest hospital. Reflex made me get up in a second, ran down through the stairs and held the wheel chair for him. Moment like that, I had to put away the ‘cold war’ situation for eight long months. He was grasping for air. He could hardly lean because he’s drowning by the little air he could get. Something was really wrong and I knew it. I was just too scared to face it. But everything happened in a snap of a finger. We transferred to another town where there’s an available ICU. There he continued to struggle.  I stood still and wondered if it was for real. After I blinked several times, I saw those tears that rolled on his cheeks with his mouth half opened. His chest was not moving anymore and his skin turned into purple. I screamed like a mad woman trying to revive his consciousness. That familiar feeling of numbness and shaking of knees with a heartbeat like rolling drums visited my system again.

Just like that. Pupsy left us. For good. I hugged his lifeless body sobbing with little tears but with so many questions and emotions that I could never spell out.

Even now as I write this. How will I ever describe something that is overwhelmingly agonizing?