Weekend Blues

I wonder how long will grieving take? Because I don't have forever.

Weekend routine had been broken recently due to some "important" matters that my partner couldn't afford to refuse. Everytime he ask for permission to go somewhere my mouth couldn't seem to open and say NO. Because I'm inlove and I respect his freedom.

It's just that this afternoon I couldn't hold back my emotions anymore. Alec's precious memory had been running in my head again and I couldn't escape from it anymore. I got no one to hold to except for this keyboard and perhaps a tissue to wipe off my messy face.

This is one of those moment when I wish it's just like what happened to Lazaro and Isabelle's daughter in the soap opera. Their daughter was abducted and had been denied from them for ten years and they finally knew who she is now.

I wish Alec is just being kidnap...by God and will eventually return soon. ;(

Because I know myself enough. One day I feel okey, another day I don't. And if I don't, I think about horrible things like leaving this place and just vanish forever.

45 Years a Slave

Once upon a time in a far away land along boulevard...there's a small kingdom ruled by an ungrateful queen. She had been a widow for so long and has left with four adopted children. June 2010 came when a young woman entered such kingdom as a worker. The woman's career began to rise when the Queen gave her the leverage. Little do the woman know that she's never allowed to open her mouth. And that all the workers are meant to nod their heads.

Years passed, the poor woman began to notice how poisonous the environment is. The queen has her favorites who are untouchables. She also had sidekicks who are blood related to her and all of them claim to be "believers" but behave in a way that you could see fangs in their mouth.

A day came when the woman couldn't help but retaliated. She opened her mouth and spoke her mind because she believed she was treated inhumanly. She was accuse of being proud, was never forgiven after a 3-page apology letter, she was put into sanction without any feedback, she was demoted without due process...to sum it up, it was a constructive dismissal.

The woman would have chose to stay despite the struggles because there was a contract that binded her and the queen. She chose to resign from her post and opted to be at another office. The queen allowed her but perhaps just whispered to a messenger to let the woman know that she has to settle something before getting her 30th pay. That significant information never got to the woman. So when payday came, she went to the cashier's office. To her surprise, she was denied from the wage she should have because she's never told that she had to comply something first. The woman begged for mercy. Literally begged. But they all let their fangs out and just shooed her away.

It was the day that marked the breaking of the law by that woman worker. She walked away and never came back. She'd been called number of times by some other administrators to settle her debt but she never bothered to respond.

Until...in a restaurant one evening, the woman was shaken by the prince's presence. After almost a year of being out of sight, their way has crossed in a place where everyone can be so closed that the prince could have just reached out and slapped her face for walking away like that.

But the prince never did anything. At least at that moment.

So the poor woman is kinda bothered now. :|

How Do I Love Thee (own version)

I love thee that I hate your ex fiancee...

I love thee that I get paranoid when you are away...

I love thee that it kills me when you keep your silence..

I love thee that I never want to miss your presence...

I love thee for the rest of me...

...in a countless ways, whether the sun is up or the sky is grey.

A Child's Innoscence

Oh how lovely children are. With their flashy genuine smile while they talk to you about the details of their lives. So confident that they never hesitate to answer every question you ask. Their non sense stories appear to be a joke to me at some point that I afford to laugh and they don't because they meant it. 

I was on a state of entertaining the thought of my loss last July again when I decided to conduct an interview with some of the grade school transferees.

It went really fun just as I expected and I can't wait for Monday to come to meet another group.  

This is 30

Maturity is not limited to physical appearance.Emotional and Psychological  stability evolves as well. I remember being a career woman for the first time, it was like working to pay my cosmetics and my desired colored mobile phone. Personal wants had always been my motivation to work and earn.

Things change when I had to embrace a serious responsibility. I started to prioritize stuff to even deprive myself. It must have been an extreme deprivation for I remember becoming defensive, feisty and projection was my mechanism to cope. I had several failures; marriage, graduate studies, career, motherhood etc. Oftentimes, I would walk out from a difficult situation. I face them for a little while and then I just suddenly cross the bridge.

I guess it's about to change now.Looking back, my 20s was a mess. Somehow I have developed this sense of determination. I've never felt this urge to push myself into losing 20lbs. before the year ends and I've never been this focus to my long term goal which is to acquire tenureship with my present employment.

This is 30 I'd say. It's not about pleasure anymore. It's about how you end up when you get older. From now on, I wouldn't mind being 30 for the rest of my life. :)

On Another Note

It's already 17th and my first salary is not available yet. For some reason they mislooked my account number and failed to include me on the payroll account. It's kinda surprising though. For an organization that I perceive to be way organized. 

I was instructed to get it from the cashier's office tomorrow and that I have to get a payslip first from another office and so on and so on...

Don't judge me. I'm not complaining. After all, who am I to whine? It's a place where there is tranquility. Not just the company itself but as well as the city where I live. I meant, as compared to what is happening in Zamboanga City now. It's heartbreaking to see old men, toddlers and even babies running and escaping from the shootout between rebels and soldiers.

Let's pray for our brothers and sisters.

Compare & Contrast

My 2-week of employment here made me realize what I've been missing. For one, our Superior here is acquainted with the word "thank you". The telephone doesn't ring every minute, nobody bothers to call and tell us how we just did an epic fail after the sleepless nights of planning a student activity, our drinking water is free, we have two printers and there's a computer unit intended for each cubicle, a snow cool aircondition unit installed in each cubicle, the people around seems so warm, I don't have to teach, I don't have to retaliate to frustrated bullies, I don't have to convert my feelings of fear into hate, my tax deduction will surely be remitted to the government, I will surely be given a chance to explain myself if I commit a serious offense (stated on the handbook w/c we're encourage to read). No role ambiguity blocking our way. We surely could sort things out on how to effectively serve the students without having to struggle whether our proposal will be approved or not. I could go on with a lot of comparing but it doesn't matter anymore. I never felt this protected and secure.For someone like me who cares more about the environment than the money and position, I think God has really found a place for me despite my shortcomings. I'd be always thankful. :)