Shout Out to LOVE!

True love is real. But it's never a promise of living in peace as in a paradise nor happy ending. It's a constant battle. You don't get what you expect to get. That would be ridiculous. One minute you look into each other's eyes like nobody can steal him or her from you. Or you stay in his/her arms all day like there's no tomorrow. In another time you find yourself curled up in bed crying. In deep pain...out from deceits, concealed facts, repetitive lies, unending arguments, pride. 

It's up to you to get your sh#t together. It's up to you to stay in a miserable situation. It's up to you to change your reaction. Would you rather be reacting or accepting? 

This is what makes love the most splendid thing.

 I shout out at this eiffin Love. 

Tough Times Wont Last. Tough People Do (Day 10)

In my long term memory it shall remain,

How you were and how we’ve been,

Locked, sealed, and buried,

Into the depths of being that bled.

Only the spiral habit of time can tell,

Or if there’s any truth in a wishing well,

Let it not be all covered in vanity,

For there shall prevail a veracity.

This soul of mine is finally free,

Back to its banter nature as idiosyncrasy,

Hushing, wining, humming and whistling in music,

As I stare at you from afar like a mosaic. 

Tough Times Wont Last. Tough People Do (Day 9)

Today was my first time to park 'big boy Arsenio' inside the campus. I just felt extremely ecstatic. Haha! (Hashtag goals). Though I almost hit that big crawling truck in the highway, I still thank God for sparing us from it. I should be more careful next time with overtaking. Wohoo!

Whole morning is packed with tasks to be completed. A lot of people are on the waiting list and some other works to do thats left unfinish. Indeed, gravitating in this office is a mortal sin. Wink.

Just when I thought I'd have a vacant afternoon but then God worked His mysterious ways again. It became an unending flow of entertaining the thought of what-to-do next and I landed in the Clinic. Let's just say, the Nurse assigned found a confidante in me. It's something I never even exerted an effort on. Another proof how plausable it is to just be "YOU". 

That being said, looking back...I was never wrong with my decision. I often stand for what I know is right. It's 'often' now. Not 'always'. I've learned lessons in the past. Wink.

P.S. This series of journal might only be until 10 or 15...there is nothing to squeeze anymore. Now that's really fast. lels!

Tough Times Wont Last. Tough People Do (Day 8)

It's another manic Monday and I couldn't help tap my own back for driving flawlessly. Traffic, annoying drivers, sidewalkers no longer intimidates me. Whew!

And I brought my mini speakers. Installed it in the office PC and darn them music is overly soothing. I can work better with music playing eversince. It's never been this peaceful in the office today. No eye sore. No noise pollution. Haha! But their absence is not an indication of peaceful living of course. Keeping them close and even "sleep" with them is by far the most crucial yet most rewarding when passed through.

As I laid down envoking my right for a rest, I thought of the future. I imagined facing the "oldie" one day. I'd smile and will remember what my 3rd year high Adviser has shared to me. She was once betrayed yet she never gave up. She went on with her life as a teacher, forgave the person and never stopped praying. And she never quit her job because she thought of her children and their future. Years passed and she's enormously blessed. She will be retiring next year with a priceless memories.

Someday, I will be like her. I'd meet a newbie of my age now and will share the same story. How this first challenge in this Godly community will test our faith. Our perseverance in fulfilling our commitment to serve and most especially, my commitment to take care of my family. Bow.

Tough Times Wont Last. Tough People Do ( Day 7)

My week ended with a bang...my feet is taking me to a place where unwinding is free. Can't wait to smell the sea breeze. I'm gonna walk barefoot on the sand while enjoying the sight of this starry night. And perhaps I'll take a dip into the water.

It's a beautiful life after all. The answers to my questions are slowly revealing. Indeed, God is never a
sleep. One doesn't have to be religious or churchgoer for Him to see through. You just have to knock.

Now I can't wait for next week's happenings and the next after that. xoxo

Tough Times Wont Last. Tough People Do (Day 6)

Eight hours a day in the office seems to be too short lately. Whew! When I arrived this morning, a 2-hour conference took place right away. I just had a minute for peeing and water refilling. This is it! I have a job. Nice!

beachin

The usual schedule for the afternoon followed. A group process for Career Guidance and some random chitchat with Maam Pretty Nurse Mildred. This woman always reminds me how rewarding it is to be transparrent. There is freedom. And it's priceless. 

After the Grade 10 session, another conference with a parent waited. I wonder how come I am not feeling stress. I think it really helps when you sleep before 12 midnight. haha! Or this is what I am born for. Managing stress with an art. 

Everyday is getting exciting. Truly, life is but a beach. You learn to dive and swim with all your might. Later, the wave itself calms down and teaches you strokes that you've never tried your entire life.

That being said, I think I am fine. Thank you GOD! 

Tough Times Wont Last. Tough People Do (Day 5)

It's amazing how I am recovering this fast. Like really. I forgot to even make a draft for todays' countdown. haha!

My neurons are wired in a different manner I guess. Or maybe it is just that it is my daughter's birthday today. I got caught up with making her day meaningful while juggling with my activities in the office.

I still cannot tell what happens when it gets idle. Hhmmm...that woud be exciting.

xoxo

Tough Times Wont Last. Tough People Do (Day 4)

Today is filled with surprises.

One, when I got into the office I just sang random songs. When 'my friend' came in I couldn't feel that old sting. As I sat down facing my computer and pulled up some important files...I was like, Oh my...this is it. That familiar self I have encountered after the rage is thrown aw

image by google

ay. I become a floater. Insensitive. Nobody else exist except those who matters. 

The day went by so fast that I had a hard time squeezing my schedule. Nevertheless, it's never been this productive. This is the advantage of being a problem-solver I believe. Thank God for my parents who raised me this way. Like that donkey in a story who was force to be buried alive. Instead of letting his self being covered by those dirty soil, he shrugged off every shovel until he got up on the surface. 

There's nothing much to say for now. :D 

xoxo

Tough Times Wont Last. Tough People Do (Day 3)

Today I learned how helpful driving is in my psychological state. It makes me more conscious about the relevance of the future. Beating the traffic jam requires all your senses to work. Underdisciplined drivers just pop up in every junction and if you don't make yourself ready, you'd panic and who knows what's next. You have to really think in advance, expect the possibilities while maneuvering the wheel. 


My morning is welcomed by brushing up the Career Guidance group process and meetings. Lunch break came and I tried to sleep but instead I remember what I came across last weekend. In the quest of looking for answers, I googled testimonies similar to what I went through and here's the catch;


    "I’m talking about the  betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship. The word betrayal evokes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking a confidence, failing to defend us to someone else who’s gossiping about us, and not choosing us over other people. These behaviors are certainly betrayals, but they’re not the only form of betrayal. If I had to choose the form of betrayal that emerged most frequently from my research and that was the most dangerous in terms of corroding the trust connection, I would say disengagements." (an excerpt from the book of Brene' Brown "Daring Greatly")

I just love how the words are string together. BETRAYAL OF DISENGAGEMENT. I never knew such do exist. Anyhow, something has poked me. It said; ask yourself what have you done too? It must had been the holy spirit because I asked for it. 

So...I realized, I must have been really selfish. I should have brought it up early on. I should have not let it pile up. I should have just admitted it right away that I was starting to feel extra jealous, and was so anxious about rejection. 

But going back to what's real now. I will still move on. I always know my cognitive direction and one day, for sure I'll be wearing that enigmatic smile again and bury the hatchet. Xoxo. 


P.S. First group process session went very well though. 

Tough Times won't Last. Tough People Do (Day 2)

I decided not to drive today. During breakfast Mama asked me how is it in the office. So I shared what has happened and it became all clear again. The process of fighting it off from my head started playing.

I began to sing Adele's 'Someone Like You'. It just dawned on me, the lyrics of the chorus can be related to a friendship too. Nice. Except that 'someone alike' thought. haha! I need somebody who is different. A one-of-a-kind.(whatever that means) :/

Officeworks are super. Surprising cases are jaw-dropping. But that's what I had hope for. It will keep me busy for the next few weeks and even months. Afternoon came and I finally met the Peer Facilitators' club members. About 67 attended. Whew! My throat had a lump afterwards. The kids were too hyper. I can only hope the number will continue through March. Future activities were discussed.

Future...that's it. That's the direction I am going (we are all going) and I'm bringing with me the insights I have gained in the past. Things like;
1. Never assume everybody will reciprocate how much you care for them.
2. Loyalty can be bought for some.
3. Careful with emotional attachment. Especially when you have just known the person for a year or two.
4. Be in CONTROL with your ANGER (I should be)

Having said those, thriving through the future should mean counting my blessing while learning the lessons from life's harshness.

TGIF!♡

Tough Times won't Last. Tough People Do (Day 1)

Today is welcomed by a holy mass. It's the opening of Marian month and as a catholic school, we always grace the celebration. Gladly, I did not have difficulty finding a chair. The people I was with were very warm. Just as I prayed before getting inside the campus.

During the mass, I couldn't help but still remember everything. The dialogues. The sentences came out from her mouth that implied nothing but rubbing everything off to my face. The pain I felt that she just dared laugh at. In my head it's all playing down to my heart that it hurts. I noticed a little tear in the corners of my eyes. But I got back to my senses and started planning. That's how I deal with problems. I do not dwell. I deal with it. So the plans I came up with includes;

1. I am not going to our Director's office and ask to be transferred to the main campus nor recite my side of the story. I have nothing to prove. It will be too unfair for the person to be swapped in my post just for this petty reason.

2. It's a personal matter that will try to impede my work performance. I choose to never let that happen. I consider this job as a gift. One of the biggest favor I got from God Almighty. I am not letting it go just for one shattered friendship.

3. After this Career Guidance program, I am going to the gym again and continue with my weight goals.

4. I will submit myself for Counseling. Why not? We all need to be processed.

5. I will take care of the High School PF programssssss. It will be completely restructured.

6. I will contact my other panelist to submit my Chapter 1 & 2 revision.

7. I will never have a second thought looking at her straight in the eyes. Anytime. Anywhere. Then you can pardon for my feisty look for that just comes with the genes.

Lastly, I will make new friends since I have just reconciled with an old friend. No I am not bringing my ego problem to my grave. I am better than that. Watch me.

Empty Chair Yourself

In as much as we promote our advocacy in Counseling and Psychology, human as we are, we have our own issues to deal with. Issues when left unaddress will consume us and leave us defeated. 

In example, with what happened to me and the person I considered a friend. A friend for me is not just a passer-by who chats about random things. A friend is someone I can confide about anything. Someone who does crazy stuff with me. Jump off the cliff or fly in the sky. Someone who will never turn his back...especially when someone new comes in.

Apparently that's just too ideal. 

So maybe we can try an empty chair approach to process ourselves. Funny but this is the usual technique that that old friend uses for her clients. I just came to wonder if she ever have used it for herself. But with the confrontation that took place this morning...I doubt it.

Yes I have wronged her at some point. She humbled herself through text that 'I hope I understand her bailing out on me at 11th hour'. So alright. That was humility that I failed to acknowledge. 

But she never laid down valid reasons as to how come she never saw my pain of jealousy over rejection when she started going out with her new friend? All she did was deny the ill-feeling she caused. Still claiming her ego overwhelming her head. Seriously, can you that be insensitive if you really did consider the friendship? 

That's just where I am coming from. I know I brought up long dead old issues but thats just part of my weakness. I will never hide these weakneses nor deny it. And yes I will publish it not just to gain sympathy but to share real stories from real experiences. Because I am not afraid to be judged. Now you can tell my strength.

Back to that special friend I am referring to...I still wish her all the best. This pain I am feeling will be savored until I cannot remember it anymore. Xoxo.

Nothing But A History

Your old tactic is way boring. Building your little army to justify your distorted thoughts against me. Gaining their loyalty by cackling more than like a hen. Oh well…you’ve done that before. It’s no longer surprising. I am staying put, crossing my arms, watch your pathetic ways and continue to be civil. I am hurting yes. 

A woman of emotionality normally feels this way. Sometimes I’d imagine sending you that ‘hate note’ I wrote. Or grab your ear and scream at your face. Other times I’d catch myself thinking how you would react if I throw my shoe at your forehead the moment you get in. But of course, I shrugged those off right away. I spent half of my life being mean and rude and sarcastic. Not to mention verbally abusive. I can compose beautiful cursing statement that will break your bones. 

But then, I choose not to do that anymore. There is this promise I made between myself and Him. I intend to keep that promise. Our world maybe too crowded, but HE can see us through. In the end, we will all be held liable for our actions.

 For that, I rest my case. ;)

44 Days Without You

Picture this: I'd wake up everyday expecting you'd be sitting in the dining table sipping your early morning cup of coffee. You'd sharply stare at me sheepishly walking in my pajama trying to drag my feet to the comfort room to take a bath to catch up my office time-in. Then you'd laugh at my clumsiness for hating the habit of waking up early.

But those are just pure-sweet-recollection of you now...

This new normal life will continue to haunt me for I don't know how long. My own dreams died with you. I feel compelled to continue what you have started. I'm not complaining. If losing my own identity will gratify you then so be it. 

I just wish it wouldn't be as scorching as this. There are a lot of questions left unanswered. There were several confrontations missed. Hugs and kisses that I would have done for you...in those last months. How did we become so resentful to each other? How did you lose your radical mind over your fixations? 

They say forgiveness will make this go away. But heck...it's but a glorious concept. Since you left, it had become a daily battle about you as a father, a husband, an excellent provider...and how you almost throw our family out in the window. Those remaining days when I couldn't see joy in your eyes for seeing us occupying what you have invested. It was like silently screaming at our face to get out for other people to get in. 

Nevertheless, I never stop praying for you. I never wanted to separate from you. I waited for that moment when you'd search through your heart again and realize our worth. I waited for the time when you finally huddle with us and tell us there's nothing more you ever need...

Your absence made me crumple. It felt like losing a firewall and turned me into nothing but ashes.

Choices had to be made I know. For now, I choose to laugh and smile while repressing this bleeding system. To breathe and live along with what and who remains to be with me. However, I cannot promise to be that happy again. It’s just never the same anymore. Never.

Road to Test

Humidity is felt this very afternoon. Nothing but the reggae music in the car that's talking. Everyone is nostalgic at this 9th day since Pup passed away.

Being the frontliner of the pack now, a lot needs to be checked and taken cared. It's like I'm in the passenger's seat but I'm not really here.

So this is what's real then. Simply loaded with realization that there are numerous things I gotta learn...driving, farming and so much more about surviving. What a big shoes to fill in.

For now, I just have to test the road first. Irregardless of its compatibility of the wheel I am on...it needs to be passed through or  we will all be forever lost.

That SUDDEN TWIST

Like every chapter of the story in a book you’re reading, each page narrates different scenes. It can be stimulating, exciting, devastating…you try to hop into conclusions hoping that you and the author’s mind meets.

But what happens when you get a twisted ending?

Exactly how life’s game works. Its imperfection entails all the possibility beyond human imagination. Like when a life of a man you first love is taken right in front of your face.

It was around 5:30 in the morning of Wednesday 22^nd of April 2015. Breakfast was serve through an emergency call of my Pupsy being rushed to the nearest hospital. Reflex made me get up in a second, ran down through the stairs and held the wheel chair for him. Moment like that, I had to put away the ‘cold war’ situation for eight long months. He was grasping for air. He could hardly lean because he’s drowning by the little air he could get. Something was really wrong and I knew it. I was just too scared to face it. But everything happened in a snap of a finger. We transferred to another town where there’s an available ICU. There he continued to struggle.  I stood still and wondered if it was for real. After I blinked several times, I saw those tears that rolled on his cheeks with his mouth half opened. His chest was not moving anymore and his skin turned into purple. I screamed like a mad woman trying to revive his consciousness. That familiar feeling of numbness and shaking of knees with a heartbeat like rolling drums visited my system again.

Just like that. Pupsy left us. For good. I hugged his lifeless body sobbing with little tears but with so many questions and emotions that I could never spell out.

Even now as I write this. How will I ever describe something that is overwhelmingly agonizing? 

Beautifully Flawed

Two imperfect souls bonded by rare emotions.
Time and distance were never a question.
Darn witch must have let loose of the potion.
That YOU & I are still in that 'love notion'.


Once we became like tumbleweeds.
Lost in the dessert that bleeds.
Those sun-scorched pain...
It was chaotic in an ugly mundane.

As the season shifted, peace surfaces.
It's but mesmerizing to ride in this serenity pace.
Heaven did hear me pray and I am awed.
I don't want this to end eventhough it's BEAUTIFULLY FLAWED. 

Mantra for 2015 and Onwards...

1. Focus on your long term goal.
             Instead of beating yourself up about past mistakes and lousy choices, strive to make it up. Nothing is too late just as long as you're still given the opportunity to wake up every morning.

2. Drop those expectations. 
            The more you expect, the more you live out from reality. It's like building an enclosed bubble away from pain and failure. It's okey to expect but not that much. 

3. Ignore the people who smears off negativity.
            You just can't please everybody so stop trying. If people find your confidence offending or threatining then that's their problem. Not yours. For as long as you stick your feet on the ground and you can sleep soundly at night knowing that you never step on anybody's shoe then you are good to go.

4. Treasure your childhood friends. 
           They are your only true friends. In the truest sense so far. My childhood friends never talked behind my back, never bailed out on me, and most of all...never displaced their frustrations instead they run to me for comfort.
5. Work hard.
             To turn yourself into a refuge is a mortal sin. If you are given both hands, feet and a brain then there's no excuse of that inability to work hard to feed your stomach.
6. SAVE.
             Rainy days do come anytime. What's ahead is engulf with uncertainties so better be ready or sorry.
7. Invest on health.
             For what use is your saving will be or your continous strive to work hard if your body itself cannot do it.
8. PRAY.
            It's your greatest source of strength along with your loved ones. Keeping your relationship intact with GOD even without airing it publicly is very powerful. 
9. Believe.
            Never stop believing in yourself and that happy ending you want to pen down on your own book. It will not hurt anyway. ;)

Hypocrisy in Hypocrites

Out from a bothersome situation, I came to rationalize that there really exist hypocrite people. They stick around when they got no one. It's like you are a pill to their ailment. Such sickness is not benign as you thought but it is recurring anytime and any day. As the behavior continues, I don't know if I should feel pity or confuse. Pity because such soul is lost and its physical manifestation is pathetic. Confuse because at one blink they adore you and the next thing you know you do not exist. Stunned and grinning from afar is the best reaction I could offer. If this is an issue of unmet needs in the past then that's pretty understandable. Or an issue of the inability to establish their ideal identity then that's given. 

Just like a puppy in a barn and came to meet a new pet owner who lives in the city. Trying to fit in to something so magical and reassuring. Mindless. Fake. So not true. The definition of hypocrisy in hypocrites. Liars can differentiate which one is true or not. They are liars because most of the time they don't tell the truth. But hypocrisy is rooted. Something pathological. Is it even curable? 

Perhaps when the situation calls for it. (wink)

Oh that February Fever...♥

There is something about February brought by a man in the past named Valentine. Accordingly, there were three of them who shared the same name and recognized as a saint by the Catholic Church. One Valentine is believed to be a priest who served in Rome during the 3rd century under the ruling of Emperor Claudius II. The Emperor had a certain belief that single men are better soldiers than the married ones. Thus, he outlawed marriage for single soldiers. But Valentine secretly conducts wedding ceremony for those who believe in the matrimonial sanctity as an utmost expression of love. Until the Emperor found out and Valentine is sentenced to death.

The second Valentine is said to have served in Rome too as a brave man who helped the prisoners escape from oppression and maltreatment. He was one of the prisoners who fell inlove with a jailguard's daughter who visited him frequently. One time he wrote her a letter with a signature 'Your Valentine'. That one special time was the near moment of his death. He did die eventually after that move.

Admittedly, the history of these 'Valentine' men were only partly emphasized, their martyrdom left an emotional remark. For instance in France and England sometime in the Middle ages, February 14 is said to be the start of the bird's mating season. Later, it created a contagion effect to human in association to LOVE. 

That thing called LOVE which can be misconstrued with too much excitement...that feelings of intensity that tames your whole being...it's more than just hunger that requires food or thirst that calls for a water. Actually, it's not magical. Yeah...if one is rational enough. Come on. It's just another month in a year. Celebrating it is conformity. It goes with the norm because all of your friends got a date. Tycoons will have a deeper pocket when they hypnotized consumers with all those reddish work of arts. 

What then after February 14th? A happy ending because of a happy beginning? (chuckles)

The very reason why our head is above our shoulder folks. Your call. 

Movie Review: CHEF (2014)

"I may not do everything great in my life, but I'm good at this. I manage to touch people's lives with what I do and I want to share this with you."  

- Chef Casper

Carl Casper played by Jon Favreau, is an edgy Chef in the city trying to balance his role in the kitchen and being a father to his son. He recently broke up with his model wife Inez (Sofia Vergara) and has shared custody with their only child. While doing everything he can within his boundary in the restaurant where he is employed, his manipulating Boss pushed him to meet the notorious Food blogger. In the hope of gaining the blogger's approval, Casper was set to prepare a whole new thing but impeded by his employer. True enough, he got a nasty two star rate with a very unlikely adjective such as "needy auntie" and "dramatic weight gain that might have resulted from eating the leftovers."

Casper grasped for strength in patching his dignity. He became really famous after a confrontation that went viral in youtube. That negative event turned into positive when he decided to remodel the food truck offered by his ex wife. With the help of his son Percy (Emjay Anthony), through Twitter, the customers would flock their truck in every stopovers. Not long enough, Chef Casper did not have to juggle between what he want to cook and what his Boss wants. He earned the leverage to do whatever he wants to do in his kitchen and in his own term. He remarried his ex wife and their son is the happiest.

Although, the movie gave us that happy-ever-after ending as we all wanted...the fact that it sent as a message about not giving up on what you believe yourself can do made it one of a kind. I'd give it five stars. You should watch it yourself to find out. 

2015 Might Just Be Different

The natural flow of life comes with bruises from failures, joy from success and it goes on and on like a wheel. Individuality has it that we possess unique takes on what it offers.

This year marks my fifth year here in my home place. Unbelievably, I managed to survive with less than half of the monthly salary I've been getting back when I was in the metropolitan for five years and six months. With almost zero debt of course. I could post about new year's resolution but that's just overrated.

I'd like to say, 2015 might just be different...for me, for my family, career and to all of us. Along the way, there will be blockages but that's beside the point. I will take it as the most important ingredient to have a better taste of life and not the key to pull me out and quit again. This year, I will do my best to be spontaneous in reaching my long-term goal.

No fung-sui, no constellation basis...just the way it's perceived.